Karma

What follows is, for me, the best story of the 2008 election campaign. Unfortunately I wasn't there to witness the occasion but quite a few people that I know well were there so I can vouch for this tale's authenticity.

In the last moments of the campaign, as matters were reaching their frenetic conclusion, a group of reporters were camped outside National Party Leader John Key's Parnell residence in the hope of catching a quick stand-up interview with him. A semi-functioning member of society driving by felt the need to wind down his window and hurl some abuse at the esteemed members of the aforesaid fourth estate.

Unfortunately for this news critic he made his colourful outburst in full view of a member of the Diplomatic Protection Squad who dutifully took down the registration details of the man's car and made some discreet enquiries.

It turned out the critic was on company time and driving his company car when he was expounding his opinions on the media. It also turned out his boss was less than impressed with his behaviour and not at all happy about finding out about via the agency tasked with protecting the Prime Minister and the man aspiring to her job.

So a little later that same morning our hero had did walk of shame, returned to the scene of his verbiage, and made a humble apology to the assembled reporters.

As a reporter I like the way it all panned out. In this job abuse is frequent, praise is rare, and apologies nigh well unheard of.

So big ups to the DPS, and the lesson to be learned: don't f**k with them.

A Right Banker

It's a funny old thing this credit crunch. Especially the way it appears to have tightened the sphincter muscles of certain banking types.

A little over a year ago, when the property boom was in full swing, I approached my bank to see how much they would lend me should I consider splashing out and buy myself a home. As it turned out they were happy to lend me something in the vicinity of a quarter of a million dollars.

However the market was manic and obviously heading for a fall so I said thanks but no thanks and waited for the real estate bubble to burst.

Which it duly did.

Anyway now the market's in free-fall and property prices in our fair capital are finally approaching something vaguely resembling reasonable my partner and I thought we'd approach the bank again and see how much we could borrow on our combined incomes.

That is; roughly twice the income that I had when I approached the bank solo last year.

Well the man at the bank did what bankers do best. Took details, crunched numbers, hummed and harred etc etc. In fact he even managed to find the banking details my partner had when she banked with this bank back in 1983.

WARNING - even after a quarter of a century these bastards will still have something on you lurking somewhere within their networks. My mind boggles at the fact they went to the trouble to:
a) move it from a paper record to an electronic one (computer records weren't the norm in 1983)
and;
b) hold onto the records of the banking behaviour of a seven year child.

Right I'll get back to the point of this rambling.

So our grey little banking man finally did all his sums and informed us of the sum the bank would be prepared to lend us in exchange for our life, liberty, happiness, and eternal souls.

It turns out it was only 30K more than what they were prepared to lend me as an individual 14 months ago.

So it seems it's not just been the finance companies that have been guilty of loose lending. I can't imagine them getting this tight, this quickly, unless some pretty bad calls were made in the not too distant past.



Actually it reminds of an old joke that's now been completely destroyed by the European Union and single currency.

Q: Why do the Irish call their currency the Punt?
A: Because it rhymes with banker.

Get a Grip

I note a few of the Kiwi political blogs, particularly those with right of centre leanings, have decided to up sticks and call it quits now the election is done and dusted.

Fair enough.

But for those who are claiming that their efforts in some way influenced the outcome of the election ... Please. Give me a break!

You (like me) are really that not special and your efforts, while no doubt impressive to yourselves, don't really add up to much in the grand scale of things.

In fact I suspect I influenced the election more than you lot did when I farted in a polling booth on election day.

Back Soon

Once this whole figuring out the Government thing is sorted.

(probably next week)

Sudden Impact

So there I am having a quiet moment at home after a frantic week of chasing politicians and 15 hour days and all of a sudden there's this almighty crash from outside.

I look out the window and, lo and behold, the demon intersection has struck again.



It's kind of a regular occurrence. People trying to get onto the motorway are forever running the lights and coming of second best. As this businessman has now learnt.



Still it keeps the local panel beaters and emergency services gainfully employed.



For what it's worth no-one was seriously hurt.

We Prefer Our Staff Clothed.

Apparently they do.

It's a bit of a worry that the employees need reminding though.

Tax Cut Theory

Just a theory based on a bit of random supposition - feel free to explode it if you like.

But ....

If National's looking at ways of covering the cost of its tax cuts package and alterations to KiwiSaver are in the mix, then what's the chance of the $1000 Government kick-start contribution being the part they alter??

Logically the employer tax credits are unlikely to be in the mix. Targeting that would seriously piss off employers and the business community which, lets face it, are a National Party constituency.

So far over 800,000 workers are signed up to KiwiSaver and have claimed the $1000 contribution. That's 800 million dollars. Now looking at the Department of Statistics workforce figures they say there are over 2.1 million people in the workforce. On that basis there are around 1.3 million workers left that potentially could sign up to KiwiSaver.

So ... if National removes the kick-start contribution it has $1.3 billion dollars of previously committed money it can set aside for its tax package.

And there is a way they can sell it too. If a tax cut is $50 a week then the one off $1000 payment that would have been in KiwiSaver is covered in 20 weeks, and the tax break accrued every extra week becomes an added bonus as far as the taxpayer is concerned. Potentially money that can be saved for retirement.

As I say it's just a thought and it probably has holes you could drive a truck through.

Grandiose Delusions

When it comes to the relationship between bloggers and journalist I notice some bloggers seem to think that journalists feel threatened by them. In their view they think reporters see bloggers as competition in efforts to communicate with the public. Based on that the bloggers assume reporters hold some antipathy towards then and are "out to get them" - as it were. Some even believe journalists refuse to follow stories published by bloggers because they're part of a system designed to suppress information and stop the real truth being told.

Now far from it be for me to prick this little conspiracy bubble, but, it's a complete load of crap.

The reason journalists largely ignore the efforts of bloggers is because most of the time the said efforts are complete shit. Generally the research is lacking, fact checking non-existent, and understanding of defamation laws completely absent. Suppression orders are rarely understood, and the rules of court reporting escape them completely.

Basically most bloggers have little, or no, understanding of the rules and ethics that professional journalist follow. And, generally, it shows in the work they do.

And don't even get me started on the ones that subsist by ripping off screeds of work done by working reporters and then adding on a comment or two and passing it off as some work of creativity.

That isn't writing, it's plagiarism and it has no merit whatsoever.

Now I realise I'm being a bit tough on bloggers (which is a bit unusual given I sort of am one myself) but I don't hate them all. There are some true creative geniuses out there who are responsible for some very fine work which I have enjoyed, and will continue to enjoy.

It's just the wingnut, conspiracy addled, defamatory, fuck-knuckles that I can't stand. They know who they are.

Stop Bloody Cribbing John

In his closing speech to Parliament today John Key was quoted thusly;

Mr Key says Labour's a walkman in an iPod world.However he says the walkman batteries have gone flat and the music's stopped playing.

Now normally I wouldn't have a problem with this as it's not a bad metaphor. A little glib maybe, but not a bad turn of phrase.

Except ....

In 2006, in his adjournment speech to Parliament shortly after taking the National Party leadership, John Key said this:

As we saw from Michael Cullen's speech, their days are numbered. They are a Walkman Government in an iPod world. They are dinosaurs, that is what they are. They are gone. That member does not know what an iPod is, that is the problem. He should plug it into his ears.

C'mon John, how hard is it to come up with some new material??? I mean, given recent events, there's been some A-grade material to poke fun at.

The Truth Hurts

Visit this guy. His stuff is fantastic.

And, if the whole credit crunch/sub-prime mortgage crisis has you confused then I strongly suggest you visit here. It's international finance made easy.

How Not to Market

A small word of advice to Investigate Editor Ian Wishart.

If you're touting for business and trying to get paying subscribers to sign up to your online publication try checking exactly who you're sending the email to.

I can't see many journalists signing up after reading this little missive which forms part of the email. And believe me I know I'm not the only one that got it.

I would make the point that if you believe New Zealand needs an independent media voice, then please support us. A columnist in one of the British papers yesterday made the point that democracy in the West is effectively dead because of the liberal-left stranglehold on the media – so many newsrooms are staffed by liberals that no matter which political party takes power, unless they meet the demands of the left wing media they are effectively dog tucker after a while.

Mr Wishart, I know you only by reputation and you certainly don't know me or my politics. So can you kindly take your sweeping generalisations and stick them up your arse.

And You Thought You Were Having a Bad Day...

No sound - it really doesn't need any

Ultimate Nut Bust | Viral | SPIKE.com

Rhyme Time

I've come to the conclusion most political stories/scandals can be summed up in terms of childrens' playground rhymes.

For example:

The Winston Peters/NZ First funding scandal.

"Liar, liar. Your pants are on fire."

The tiff on who can we trust between Labour and National. John Key and his Tranzrail shares vs Helen Clark not letting on about her knowledge of Winston Peters' funding arrangements.

"I know you are, you said you are. But what am I?"

Politically Incorrect Joke of the Week

A bloke goes into a bar and says to the bartender "I'd like a Winston Peters".
The bartender's perplexed having never heard of such a drink before.
"Come again? What was it you were wanting?"
"A Winston Peters" says the customer.
"Look" says the bartender, "I'm sorry I have no idea what that is"
To which the customer replies, "A Lion Brown".

[with apologies to the office of the race relations conciliator]

Game Time

OK things are set to be very hectic over the next couple of months as I gallivant all over the country chasing politicians in the build up to the election.

Depending on how riveting it is (and if there's any decent goss') I may post on it from time to time. Though I suspect work commitments will be the over-riding priority.

It'll definitely mean no time for exercise which will be real bummer as Wellington's weather seems to have turned the corner. Today was just the perfect day to do this. Not a long ride, but has a couple of hefty hills, and I must be getting fit as for once I was actually overtaking people on the climbs.

Not bad for a dirty smoker.

Billboards

A Quick Prediction

Based on Owen Glenn's testimony today and comments subsequently made by the Prime Minister here's how I think the rest of the week will play out.

Winston Peters will give his evidence tomorrow night.

Helen Clark will consider it.

And on Thursday, or Friday at the latest, Winston Peters will be ....



And why do I say this?

Well the Emissions Trading Scheme, for which the Government needs and has NZ First's support, is set to pass tomorrow night before Winston Peters Privileges Committee hearing is due to finish.

The Government has its keynote law in the bag. The PM can give Mr Peters the right of reply and observe due process.

Then she can give him the boot.

It Really Ought to Happen to Someone Else

When you're a bloke you tend to go through much of your life under the impression that you are indestructible. It's about the time you pass 30 that you start to find out this assumption no longer stacks up as much as one would like it to.

For example; any medical issues relating to the lower gastrointestinal tract are supposed to be solely reserved for the drooling, wrinkly geriatrics in the over 50 age group. The whole concept of something going wrong "down there" is, generally, so far removed from any conscious thought that it might as well not exist.

Which means when such a problem does crop up it can come as a rude shock - in every sense of the word.

Take it from me there is nothing quite as disconcerting as having to undergo a medical procedure that involves a TV camera entering one's body via orifices a TV camera was plainly never meant to go. It's even more disturbing when one finds out after the procedure that the sedation was supposed to have been such that recall of the event should have been impossible.

In my case it wasn't.

And you can take it from me seeing and feeling sections of your lower intestine being biopsied is not something you need, or want, to remember.

BTW the nurses are bloody fantastic but all those fantasies about potential romantic entanglements go right out the window.

It's hard enough looking them in the eye after they've helped ram a camera up you nether regions. Hitting on them is simply right out of the question

Now to finish on a lighter note.

The Evolution of Winston.

(or a three line political history)

1993 - THE GREAT REDEEMER

1996-99 - THE GREAT PRETENDER

2008 - THE GREAT DECEIVER??

Doublespeak, Evasions, Fibs, and Downright Lies.

I'm talking about you Mr Peters.

Administrative error my arse!