Sunday, May 11, 2008


It started with a slight itch behind a wisdom tooth. The itch became became a burning feeling. Just a tiny ulcer was my thought, a salt water gargle and all will be well.

The burning became a dull throbbing pain and I steeled myself to look inside my mouth. A bit puffy, definitely red - not good.

Decision time. To see the dentist or to tough it out? Do I confront my phobia about being poked, prodded, injected, and (God forbid) suffering an extraction from a masked and white coated sadist? Or do I hang on, swig copious amounts of whiskey, and hope like hell things sort themselves out?

Deliberation. Prevarication. More pain, in fact lots more pain. Sod it, the dentist it is then.

Scene: A Dentist's Surgery

Dentist: Hmmm, been a while since you had your teeth checked eh?

Me (with mouth full of dental torture implements): mmph itf bin abouf hore yers ( it's been about four years).

Dentist: That doesn't look good (translation - this is going to cost you a packet boyo)

Me: ogh hulloghs (oh bollocks)

Dentist: Yep, an abscess behind your wisdom tooth. Looks like I might have to pull it (kaching there's a quick $400)

Me: aarggh, ho uerkin ay unhine (no fucking way sunshine)

Dentist: Was that a no? (please let me use the pliers)

Me (spitting out aforementioned instruments of pain): Damn straight, I want drugs. Lots of drugs.

Dentist: Well that is an option (a cheap one that won't help me repay my 100k student loan you tight bastard!)

Me: perfect.

Dentist: But first just let me do this .....

Me: Wait, no, gerroff, oh you absolute c**t!!

Yes dear readers to cure an abscess it seems lancing and iodine are required. So too are antibiotics but not, so it would seem, any decent painkillers.

When your jaw is swollen up like a pumpkin, it's leaking blood and pus, and is getting regular swills of antiseptic wash .... well .... let me just say Nurofen doesn't quite cut it.