Bliss

After chasing politicians around in the tropical heat for four days nothing beats kicking back on a nice quiet beach.

I give you Pangaimotu Island.




I mean, seriously how cool is this.

Though I did end up with one of those patchwork sunburns. The peril of travelling solo is that there's no-one to smear the sunscreen on the parts of one's back that can't be reached single handedly. I would have prevailed upon a dusky maiden to do it for me but unfortunately they all had boyfriends who were far bigger and stronger than I.

Sometimes discretion is the better part of valour.

I must say I am glad my flight home is tonight. I had considered taking this one.

Actually I suspect my employers would have preferred it if I'd been on that plane - for news purposes of course (I'm almost sure they don't want me dead)

Hot Times in Tonga

Since Monday I've been on the ground in Tonga covering the Pacific Forum leaders meeting and let me tell you it's been an experience.

On the work front it's been quite frustrating. Traditionally these events have been quite media friendly. Generally the media have been able to hang outside the meeting centre and nobble passing politicians for comment pretty much willy nilly.

Well that hasn't been the case here. Security in Nukua'lofa has ranged from insidious to inane. The entire area around where the meetings have been taking place have been cordoned off with police and military checkpoints at virtually every intersection. We arrived on the understanding that our media passes would allow us to get to where we needed to be. The reality has proved to be very much the opposite.

The press conference area has been located within the security zone, however the facilities from which media file are outside of it. Getting in to get to the people we need to speak to has been hit and miss at best, and nigh impossible at worst. The checkpoint that lets you through in the morning is invariably the one that steadfastly refuses to let you through in the afternoon. There's no rhyme nor reason to it either. Invariably we're sent via another route where the same situation repeats all over again.

Getting tetchy gets you nowhere, nor does courtesy, or even abject pleading. The poor blokes at TV3 missed a stand-up with NZ Prime Minister Helen Clark on Tuesday because they were turned back at three separate checkpoints. Myself and two colleagues made it barely in time after walking about 1.5 km in a circuitous route - the direct path was a mere 500 metres.

And some of the restrictions have been bizarre. In Vava'u, at the leader's retreat on Wednesday, cameramen were even forbidden from taking shots of the harbour.

As far as Tongan security is concerned we in the media are the enemy and all our security passes do is serve to identify us. On that basis coverage has been limited to Helen Clark and Alexander Downer which is not what we're here for. We'd love to talk to the other Pacific leaders but the problem's been we can't get anywhere near them. Frustrating doesn't even begin to sum it up.

At times this frustration has boiled over, not into outright confrontation, but pretty close to it. On Tuesday the media were told the beginning of the plenary session would be open so photographers could get shots. They were also told it was for five minutes and then everyone would have to leave. For those in print and radio it meant the event was pretty meaningless so most abstained from attending. However a decision was made to allow the media to stay - that saw the rest of us descend like a horde of locusts seeking admittance.

Were we let? Not bloody likely.

This sparked an exchange with security. Even press secretaries were lobbying for us to be let in but the police were resolute, no-one would pass. Tempers flared and officials were told pretty bluntly what our opinions were. The next day the Fiji Times ran a story quoting Tongan Government official Kitione Mokofisi (who'd coincidentally been lurking in the background when the fracas occurred) describing Australasian journalists as rude and insulting. He even went so far as to attack the female Kiwi journalists for being tasteless in their dress sense.

Well not only did Mr Mokofisi misquote an Aussie journalist, accusing him of calling Fijian Interim Prime Minister Frank Bainimarama a leper (the question was did he feel like he was being treated like a leper), but he was completely wrong about his accusations against the female Kiwi press corp. As the Tongan King had officiated the official opening ceremony in the morning they'd made sure their legs and shoulders were covered and no excess skin was on display. Mokofisi's attack was no more than a case of sour grapes and distracting attention away from the obstructive nature Tonga had imposed on the Forum coverage.

It's also worth noting that the Fiji Times never bothered talking to either the New Zealand or the Australian media about the incident.

Let me point out that my criticism is restricted to the officials. I've found the Tongan people to be absolutely fantastic. Their courtesy and cheer is like a breath of fresh air to those of us who have to deal with the surly, cynical, and abrasive day to day lifestyle at home. Considering the challenges they have to put up with (marginal infrastructure, indifferent politicians) they're an overwhelmingly hospitable people.

PS - if you ever visit, skip Nukua'lofa and head for Vava'u. It's superb.

Headlines We'd Never See

In light of this event over the weekend I was wondering how would I headline it?

I mean "Banks to the Future" isn't bad but I kind of like this:

"BANKS BEATS DICK!"

I mean given there was a porn king running in the same mayoral race it is kind of appropriate.

Bunch of Bleeding Muppets.

Dear Vodafone,
in this modern IT dominated age when we rely on our cellphones for important communication why do you choose to embark on a week long upgrade of your computer systems which means your customer service (which was damn poor to begin with) becomes completely non-existent?

Please do tell me, what company in its right mind would allow it to be in a situation where customers seeking simple things such as global roaming, email interface advice, or even help on blocking spam texts, are being told by your drooling, slack-jawed staff that nothing can be done until next week? I'm so glad to know that when I go overseas next Monday there'll be no way I can get my phone set up because I haven't given you 2 working days notice.

Thanks for nothing you muppets!

I must say I was so impressed by one of your staff who offered to set up a customer's internet connection on his phone for a nominal fee of $25. Never mind the fact he'd just shelled out $800 for the phone so could possibly expect a little bit in the way of free assistance. I was even more impressed the staff member in question couldn't even tell this poor man whether the Vodafone website had a FAQ page that might be able to help him out of his quandary.

Seriously where do you find these people - Morons 'R' Us?

It's one hell of a way to run a business.

May all your crabs turn into lobsters,

A former customer.

One of Those Days.

It seems there is a God and he appears to be a jealous one. At least so far as my loyalties (or lack of) to the All Blacks are concerned.

Today began with the discovery that my car battery is flat/kaput/finis. That meant my much needed run to the supermarket had to be by foot and I had to lug the bloody things back by hand. While at the supermarket I got a call from the landlord who informed me he is selling our property and we'll have to move out.

The move date? 12 days before Christmas. There's some festive bloody cheer for you.

I suspect it's divine retribution for me betting on the French.

Bollocks!

Setting Goals

When the All Blacks last won the World Cup I was 14 years old. At that tender age I did not have the money to buy an All Black's jersey to show my support for our national side. But I promised myself when I was 18 and the All Blacks contested the World Cup again I'd definitely buy myself a jersey after they'd lifted the trophy.

I'm now 34 and still no jersey (sigh)

But on the brighter side, in 1999 I started betting against the All Blacks once they entered the elimination stage of the tournament. When they finally win the thing at last at least I will have collected enough cash to buy a jersey - even at the over-inflated prices they charge for them these days.

Missing in Action

No not me.

TV3's new midday bulletin.

It was supposed to play for the first time today (yes ahead of tomorrow's Sunrise launch) under it' flash moniker "3News@12". It had been discussed in the news team's morning conference call and it seemed it was all go.

We all dutifully tuned in at midday and what did we get?

Everybody Loves Raymond.

The journo's at TVNZ are pissing themselves.

On the Road

Every now and then, just for a change, I give the mountainbiking a miss and take the road bike for a spin.

Here's this morning's effort.



And here's what it looks like in terms of hill climbs.



Mind you the route I took yesterday is a lot more fun. Less traffic and better scenery.



It's not quite as long as the Bays Ride, but the hills are a lot more substantial. Especially the last one.



So that's how I spent my weekend.

Tipping over the Edge

Here's another in the list of mountainbike trails that I've been posting here from time to time. Today's little number is the Tip Track. As you can tell from the picture it's a groovy little descent.



And you can even stop to admire the view on the way down.



Take it from me it's a track you want to always do in the downward direction. Biking up it would require a fortitude not found in mere mortals.

Though I understand there are some fitness freaks that can get to the top in under 30 minutes - not me though.

Paying it Back

I heard an interesting little story when I was ambling through Parliament the other day catching up with a few contacts. It involves Winston Peters, New Zealand First, and the party's election spending as identified by Auditor General Kevin Brady last year.

For about the past 10 months the Press Gallery has been hounding Winston on a regular basis asking him when he intends:
a) releasing the legal advice he sought on the matter late last year.
and,
b) to pay any, or all, of the money back.

About 2-3 months ago Peters said an announcement was imminent but since then nada, nothing, zilch, zib, not a peep from the man.

So what's going on?

Well the rumour is (and I hasten to say it is only speculation) the legal advice Winston Peters has received states that the Auditor General got it wrong. Winston's now loathe to pay back the $160 thousand but is caught in a cleft stick as he knows what public and political condemnation he'll receive should he try to finagle his way out of the situation.

The Fashion Police

Where have I been? Blame Facebook. It's the greatest timewaster I've come across in an age thanks to Scrabulous. I've been play Scrabble almost incessantly for the past 3 weeks with various friends scattered from NZ, to the UK, and Papua New Guinea.

I guess it has its benefits - apparently "qi" is a word and so too is "jow". There's nothing like having some more useless information to add to the burgeoning list.

Anyway it seems the grip of winter (not that Wellington really has one) is loosening and spring is on the way. I guess this means I've run out of excuses not to be out and about on the weekends and trying to lead a semi-meaningful life.

Mind you Wellington's a bit of a weird place for socialising. The profusion of civil servants and other assorted professional types means there's a certain degree of decorum that I'm still coming to grips with. You see I'm a Canterbury boy by nature so I'm more used to the slightly more relaxed attitude that exists down there. If you feel like going out in Christchurch wearing jeans and a shirt you can pretty much get away with it. A little bit of scruffiness is perfectly acceptable there. Not so in the capital though. Here if you're going out you have to be reasonably presentable and woe betide you if you turn up wearing anything from Hallensteins. For a bloke that managed to get away with not wearing a tie until he was 33 I'm finding it a wee bit of a shock to the system. A few weeks back my trusty old boots ($29.95 at the Warehouse) finally gave up the ghost leaving me with no option but to buy another pair. The Wellington fashionista (or should that be facisnista) got to me and I've ended up with a new pair of $350 dollar footwear.

Gulp!

God help me when I finally get around to buying the shirts and pants to go with them. I suspect I may need a bank loan.

Parliamentary Porkie Pies

And believe it or not I'm not talking about David Benson-Pope.

On Tuesday Herald journalist Simon Collins had a beaut wee scoop about a new anti domestic violence/child abuse initiative that was about to be launched by the Government. naturally this had every other journalist in the Press Gallery scrambling to match it.

But what was the response from the office of Minister of Health Pete Hodgson?

His press secretaries were emphatic in denouncing the Herald story. They said it was completely wrong and no such initiative was planned. One staffer went so far as to suggest Simon Collins had got things mixed up and could be referring to a Ministry of Social Development announcement planned for next month. Even the staff in the office of acting Minister for Social Development and Employment, Steve Maharey, were running the same line.

That is until Maharey went on Radio New Zealand, Newstalk ZB, and Radio Live and confirmed the details of the Herald's story.

And sure enough the policy was announced today.

So what are we to make of this?

Well either Hodgson's staff are incompetent, or they're liars. It beggars belief that they weren't aware of the policy and that it was due for release. Press secretaries, by their very nature, are in those sorts of information loops. While evasion and manipulation is to be expected if they don't wish to talk about such things flat out lying is not.

While journalists always treat press secretaries with a fair degree of scepticism there is a firm rule that lying is not good form. Generally it gets found out and once it is there's no way a reporter will take anything that person says at face value ever again. Any residual trust is dead and buried - permanently.

Lying not only undermines the credibility of the press secretary it also damages the credibility of the the minister. Press secretaries are an extension of their minister, a mouthpiece as it were. Their actions reflect on those that titularly control them.

Pete Hodgson image is now tarred, and it's all because his staff didn't have the good sense to be straight up with the media.

One would have thought Labour would have learned a few lessons from the Benson-Pope experience.

Apparently not.

Flatting. A Necessary Evil.

Flatting at my age is not something I do out of choice. It's determined by burgeoning interest rates, over inflated Wellington property prices, the realisation I don't want to be landed with a mountain of debt, and the fact what I made from my selling my last home is appreciating quite nicely thank you very much.

However by having made the business decision not to buy when the market is high I've been forced into a flatting lifestyle. Something I hadn't done for some time. I'll admit it has its benefits - cheaper utility bills for one - but it also has its drawbacks.

You see it doesn't matter how careful you are you never really know what a prospective flatmate is like until you've lived with them. Here's a sample of what I've experienced in the past year or so.

1) The Vocal Shagger.
When this girl scores the whole street knows (not just our house). The throes of passion are such that furniture in adjoining rooms is rearranged and plaster has been known to fall from the ceiling. Once the neighbours even came round to inquire as to whether someone had been hurt (though how they mistook orgasm for murder escapes me).

2) The Invisible Woman.
She pays all the bills on time and even does her share of the houseweek. Yet she is never seen. Months can go by with no sight nor sound of her. Once a room check had to be carried out to make sure;
a) she still lived here.
and,
b) She wasn't dead and mouldering in her bed.

3) The Slightly Bemused, Yet Devious, Foreigner.
This person plays upon English being their second language to their advantage. Expect huge delays on getting the bond, conniptions when it comes to getting the rent paid on time, and a complete incomprehension that living in a house necessitates paying a share of the monthly power bill. Trying to explain the situation will be met with a vacant look and the phrase "Que?".

Mortality

I'm feeling a little down tonight. Late last week I got the news that someone I've been professionally associated with for some time was quite ill and in hospital and not expected to last much longer.

I won't name him here as it's not appropriate, but suffice it to say I consider him a friend and a thoroughly decent chap.

For the past few days I've been mulling over whether I should visit him or not. Like I say we know each other, but it's a relationship based on a professional acquaintance and I was a little unsure if it would have been appropriate to intrude at a time best reserved for family and close friends.

Well tonight I visited him .... I'm glad I did but it's highlighted just how patently unfair life can be at times.

Here is a man, who's liked and respected by all that know him, left a shadow of his former self in a hospital bed. One of my colleagues gave a very apt description of him the other day.
"He's a gentleman, but more importantly he's a gentle man".
And that's the honest truth. He's one of the nicest people I've ever met in my line of work and genuinely nice people are few and far between in political circles.

For him to be in this truly awful predicament, well ...it's just not right.

He's barely had time to come to terms with his illness and now he's got just days left. He doesn't want to die, nor do any of us who know him want to lose him, but there's nothing he, or any of us, can do.

What can you say or do for someone in such a situation?

Absolutely nothing - and that's the worst thing about it all.

Bumf.

It's been a while since I did a substantial overseas trip. About 11 years to be precise (that's not counting a couple of jaunts to Australia and elsewhere in the South Pacific). So I was a little bit surprised when I went to collect my tickets from the travel agents.

You see in the old days your travel envelope was fairly straight forward. Tickets, luggage tags, and maybe an immigration form was what you got.



Something kind of like this.

However when I opened mine I was staggered to find 17 different pieces of paper awaiting my perusal. The three essential pieces you see above and 14 other bits of extraneous shite.



In that carbon negative pile of glossy pamphlets are; warnings about not leaving the country with unpaid fines, advertising for Duty Free stores, warnings about drug smuggling (apparently it's a no no - who would have guessed?), warnings about what you can and can't take on your carry on luggage, and even a print out of what I can see and do at my ultimate destination.

Call me a grinch but this is overkill.

Also while it's laudable that Flightcentre is giving me dutyfree vouchers, But I really don't see the point in them giving them to me if they expire in October when I'm travelling in December.

Vive la Revolution

Politics is a strange racket sometimes. It sort of goes without saying that, by and large, your average politician (and most of them are distinctly average) is a fairly thick skinned creature. It's not the sort of career one chooses if one is easily hurt by criticism. For most politicians a personal attack slides of their hide like mud off a basking hippo.

But when it comes to the media it seems to be a different story - at least as far as their behaviour in the sacred precincts of the debating chamber is concerned. Deputy Prime Minister Michael Cullen is selling the new broadcasting rules as a liberalisation give that TV cameras will be allowed to show reaction shots. And, to be fair, that is a relaxation from current practice. However not extending the same liberty to still photographers is somewhat perplexing. the argument a single moment can be taken out of context has limited merit when newspapers can quite freely take a still from a broadcast agency.

But this is all a sideshow when compared to the fundamental issue. Blocking the use of TV footage for satire and banning any images that might denigrate an MP's image.

It's skewed from the beginning. A cartoonist, such as Tom Scott, is free to lampoon and a radio journalist is free to describe what they see in whatever terms they choose. Yet a TV journalist, or a still photographer, is not allowed to show what anyone in the public gallery can see. Doesn't this strike you as a little out of kilter?

If anyone in the public gallery can see what an MP is up to then so too should any other member of the public elsewhere in the country. However MP's are canny beasts. They know the power of an image and there's no way they''ll allow the public to see them as they really are. The behaviour in the Debating Chamber in Parliament regularly borders on the farcical and MP's would prefer that not become common knowledge.

Michael Cullen made the claim this week that Parliament is for debate, not theatre, though how he managed to say it with a straight face is beyond me. Theatre outstrips debate by a country mile in our Parliament and the Right Honourable Dr Michael Cullen is one of the practice's most well known exponents.

It's been gratifying to see the media thumb their noses collectively at the rules this week. Kudos to TVNZ, TV3, Prime, the Dominion Post, Newstalk ZB and others for taking a stand against the self righteous, self-serving, and hypocritical line taken by our country's elected members.

(oh and if anyone's interested Auckland Issues Minister Judith Tizard managed to sleep through most of Question Time today. She only woke when prodded by Dover Samuels who noticed the Press Gallery had their eyes on her)

Nice Work If You Can Get It

Well the rumour mill is bubbling about the salary being paid to TVNZ's new communications manager Peter Parussini. The word is it's around $250,000 which is a hefty sum and more than what some of the presenters actually get.

It's also equivalent to the salaries of five intermediate level journalists - do you think the 30 odd news staff that have just been axed in TVNZ's cutbacks might be a little pissed off?

A Week in Politics

Sheesh, what a week it's been. The corridors of power have been flat tack with spin, innuendo, and the truly inane.

Lets start with the last first.

Inanity of the Week.

This has to go to the minor parties (Greens, Maori Party, United Future, and ACT) for their proposed code of conduct. To see Rodney Hide and Peter Dunne talk about the need to remove personal attacks from the House was ludicrous given some of their past behaviour. Rodney Hide (now known as the recently reformed Rodney Hide) is noted for his sharp tongue and scathing with during Parliamentary debate. In fact it's a strength of his and by signing up to this code he's effectively emasculated himself. And as for sensible Peter (setting aside some of his past diatribes against the Greens) wasn't he the one that all but accused Labour of being political adulterers just a few weeks back?


Wally of the Week.

Gordon Copeland by a country mile. Gordo, if you're going to commit your vote to one party make sure you name it correctly when you do your interview with One News. Naming the wrong Party makes you look like a bit of a dick. And as for supporting the Government on confidence and supply and National on everything else, well that's just bizarre. It's not often that I find myself in agreement with Whaleoil but this time I think he's hit the nail on the head.


King Hit of the Week.

This goes to the Ombudsmen and their scathing report on the Department of Corrections and it's prisoner transport procedures. The bad news just keeps coming for Corrections Minister Damien O'Connor who is by now a dead man walking. The smart money says he loses the portfolio at the next Cabinet reshuffle. The question then becomes who will be the next minister? One can't really see people queuing up for this job as Corrections is where Ministers go to die. If I had to make a pick I'd posit Ruth Dyson, Lianne Dalziel, and Shane Jones as potential candidates.

In O'Connor's defence I have to say his performance in Question Time on Thursday was a marked improvement. For the first time in 18 months he actually took National MP Simon Power head on and fought fire with fire and came out of the debate with some credit. Though one has to ask; why hasn't he done this earlier? It seems like it's too little too late.


Bizarre Diplomacy Award.

The hands down winner here is Fiji's Interim Prime Minister Frank Bainimarama over his regime's expulsion of NZ High Commissioner Michael Green. It seems the marching orders stem from Mr Field getting a better seat at the rugby than did Frank. No wonder Bainimarama is known as Coup Coup Frank in some quarters.

Mind you Foreign Minister Winston Peters didn't exactly cover himself in glory in the way he handled the matter. The media were aware of the situation shortly before 10 am Wednesday morning but could they get a comment from the Minister or his office on the situation? Not likely. Peters was intending to release the information at a Select Committee hearing after midday (if one was cynical one might suspect he intended to grandstand on the issue) and there was no way he was letting anything slip. In fact he went so far as to have the media booted out of the hearing when he briefed the Committee. The end result was that National Leader John Key was the first politician to comment on the development - not a good look for the Government.

The other bizarre thing about the Select Committee hearing was that for an hour and half not a single MP asked a question about Fiji. The biggest issue of the day and they stayed mute throughout. National also did itself no favours by not being there. They'd walked out in a huff earlier.


Junket Award.

I'm awarding this one to Trevor Mallard. It seems our Sports and Recreation Minister is heading back to Valencia again for the conclusion of the America's Cup. It seems being there for the Louis Vuitton Cup was so appealing he's felt the need to go straight back again. Mind you his presence there could explain this outburst from Ernesto Bertarelli about boorish Kiwi fans. Trevor "Heineken" Mallard does have a certain reputation.

The Human Touch

This is one of a series of videos produced by a group of young Iraqi men. They're attempting to show what it's like for civilians living in Baghdad. I seriously recommend you take the time to watch it. It's a side of the Iraq story we don't get to see through the media and it's a perspective we need to see.

How Not To Leave a Country.

Again I'm being lazy and blogging something I recently posted on a discussion group. But given the length I really can't be arsed typing it out twice (even if it does blow my semi-anonymous blogging status). It's yet another tale from my multitudinous fund of OE stories - enjoy.

Back in 1990 and 1991 when I was in my late teens I was living and working in Japan looking after a showjumping team. Initially I was all official and had a working holiday visa. All was sweet with the wonder that is Japanese bureaucracy. However after my first six months getting an extension proved to be a difficult task and I had to resort to some unorthodox tactics to stay in my country and in my job. The solution was simple - every three months I'd quickly flit out of the country and come back in getting a tourist visa.

Not strictly legit' but it achieved my aims.

So things progressed along this path for some time but unfortunately for me things changed. You see I wasn't the only Kiwi in a certain area of Hokkaido working in the horse industry and eventually the immigration department wised up and decided to check matters out.

Learning this I made efforts to make my status a little more legal and endeavoured to get my paperwork in order. Unfortunately the system decided not to play ball, in fact it decided to lodge said ball squarely in my fundamental orifice. I ended up in the situation where, not only did I not have a working visa but I also had no tourist visa either.

Matters got worse when immigration rang my place of work and a receptionist (long on looks but short on guile) blithely told them how long I'd been working and exactly how much I had been paid. At this point I decided a strategic retreat to New Zealand was necessary and this is where things began to get a bit tricky.

There I was at Narita Airport plane tickets in hand going through immigration when I struck up a conversation with an Australian. He like me had visa issues and was heading home to rectify matters. He was just ahead of me in the queue, presented his passport at the immigration desk, and a kerfuffle ensued. Two of the largest Policemen I'd ever seen promptly turned up and hauled him off for questioning.

I'm now slightly apprehensive.

I roll up to the immigration officer and hand over my passport. He looks at it, then at me, then calls for the police. Off I'm hauled to a small room and the interrogation, and the bizarre nature of Japanese bureaucracy, begins to unveil. Because I have no visa I'm told I can't be in the country. However without a visa I also can't leave it.
"Simple" says I, "give me a visa and I'll go".
"Not possible", says the not so friendly official,"a visa can only be issued by the Japanese Embassy in NZ"
"OK let me on the plane and I'll apply for one when I get home" says me.
"You can't leave Japan without a visa"

Bollocks.

Anyway while all this was going on files had been checked and my somewhat undercover work history was sprung. In no uncertain terms I was told I could face 6 months in jail and/or a hefty fine. Fairly heavy duty stuff for an 18 year old to handle. Suffice it to say I was shitting bricks.

The official sternly tells me I'm in big trouble (btw all this conversation was going on in Japanese), tells me to stay where I am and heads out the door. I. of course, do the complete opposite. As I still had my passport and plane tickets I was on my feet in a flash, out through the other door, past immigration and heading for the boarding gate at a great rate of knots.

Luckily for me the flight was boarding and I scuttled on and wedged myself into a window seat taking care to ensure there was at least one octogenarian between me and the aisle.

Five minutes later there's a commotion at the front of the plane. Very foolishly I look up to see what's going on and there's the immigration official I'd escaped from not 15 minutes before. His eyes meet mine and down the aisle he strides shouting angry imprecations and calling down all sorts of nasty curses upon my head.

Bugger!

A number of options were flashing through my head as he's screaming at me (in Japanese) to get of the plane immediately. I did what any other baka gaijin would do in such circumstances and stared blankly at him pretending I couldn't understand him(despite our prior fluent conversation). The poor man is now a bright shade of red, and heading for purple, as he speaks through clenched teeth in strained english. Again he orders me off the plane.

Time for plan B and in my best 3rd Form German I said;
"Einen bien auschlander. Nicht spechen sie englisch. Sprechen sie Deutsch?"

Now I won't say his face was reminiscent of Hiroshima revisited at this point, but it was pretty close. Veins throbbing his rage was approaching incandescent status.

And this is when my saviours intervened. God Bless Air NZ hostesses who will come to the aid of a Kiwi boy in distress. Pleading schedules, fuel loads, baggage priorities, and other such aviation priorities they efficiently whisked the protesting official off the plane and onto the airbridge. The poor bugger didn't know what hit him. Before he knew it the door was closed and yours truly had flown the coop and was home free and clear.

Needless to say when I applied for a visa when I got home it was turned down. I've never been back to Japan since - I'm still slightly worried about what might happen if I did.

Which One?

Ok go here and take a long hard look at these health representatives both appointed an elected.

Then take a guess - which one is the internet dater?

How RNZ Broke the Muliaga Story

I've just figured out how RNZ got the scoop of the year.

I'd been wondering why the name of the Muliaga family spokesman, Brenden Sheehan, was so familiar. The fact he was a unionist was well known but what I'd forgotten was that his union represents RNZ. It turns out I've even blogged about him before.

What if Tintin was A Scouse?

Here's how Tintin might have turned out if he was a Manchester United fan.

[this is most definitely not workplace friendly]

The Scottish Gangsta

Have you ever thought about what might happen when rap music mixed with Scottish culture?

Here's the result.



Bizarre - yet kind of catchy.

What's a Human Life Worth?

Apparently it's about $168.40.

Taito

The only thing an MP should ever take from a constituent is their vote.

'Nuff said.

Hard Slog.

It's a rare weekend in Wellington that you are lucky enough to be blessed with two clear, calm, and sunny days. Luckily for me this has been one of those occasions. They're few and far between but they're bliss when they happen.

So as promised. Here's Deliverance.



This bit is at the top - note the gnarly tree rooty goodness. There's more of that all the way down. I would have taken more photos but I was too busy concentrating and staying on my bike. It's the sort of single trail that if you fall off it then you end up falling a very long way. Having a 40 metre tumble down a hill side was not high on my list of priorities.

Anyway after giving myself heart failure on Deliverance I decided it was time for some serious sifting. So after a little back trail negotiation I ended up at Hawkins Hill.



See what I mean about it being a glorious day!

Nutters I have Met. Part 1.

OK so I'm cheating a little bit. I posted the following tale on a discussion group that I'm a member of and have decided to copy and paste it here. It's just one of those weird things that happens to you from time to time when you are a journalist.

It dates back to the time (late 1999) when the then Chch City Council manager Mike Richardson had created a bit of a media firestorm over a few comments he'd made about the Second Coming, the millennium, and how all the sports facilities the Council had developed would make perfect landing spots for the Heavenly Host as well as great places for mass Baptisms

I'm sitting in the office one afternoon, busy trying to get my head around all this, when an elderly gent in rather impeccable 1970's formal attire wanders into the office and starts bending my ear about Mr Richardson and his relationship with God. Yours truly, thinking he was speaking to a member of the same religious group, asks the man if he was an acquaintance of Mr Richardson.
"Oh no, no, no" said the old fellow rather genially. "I just know Mr Richardson is wrong in his belief that God will come to Christchurch with the dawning of the millennium".
I couldn't help myself and asked him how he could be so sure of this.
He gave me a gentle smile and said;
"My son, I've been here since 1974"


It turned out he'd written his own Bible and everything. Definitely one of my more memorable moments in journalism.

Lead Me Not Into Temptation

Actually scrub that. You can grab me by the hand and lead me there, but just make sure there are mountainbikes involved.

I'll hope you'll excuse the rather oblique and inane references I'm making but I've just discovered another mountainbike trail up in Karori. And it happens to be called Temptation - hence the really bad pun.



It's a beaut' wee trail. Not difficult or technical but it flows really well and is possibly the easiest way to get up the dreaded Wrights Hill (word of advice - going up the road on a bike is a real drag).



And it has some surreal little glades, nooks, and crannies to take you by surprise as well.

In the next post (or thereabouts) I'll introduce you to Temptation's bigger, and slightly more intimidating, sister. Her name's Deliverance and she is aptly named.

If I Was a Super hero

Your results:

You are Apocalypse

Apocalypse 100%
Magneto 99%
Lex Luthor 83%
Dr. Doom 81%
The Joker 76%
Juggernaut 74%
Dark Phoenix 72%
Venom 71%
Mystique 70%
Mr. Freeze 64%
Catwoman 64%
Green Goblin 54%
Poison Ivy 50%
Kingpin 49%
Two-Face 46%
Riddler 40%


Click here to take the "Which Super Villain are you?" quiz...

Inquiring Minds Want to Know.

I'm sure Ian Wishart won't mind this as he appears to be great fan of maximum disclosure in all matters public and private.

The thing is I'm slightly curious about the John Dallison Flannery that is listed as a shareholder on HATM Magazines Limited - the firm responsible for publishing Investigate Magazine. Is he the same John Flannery that was formerly a director of John Flannery and Associates?

I only ask this because the firm in question is listed as a private investigations outfit based in the North Shore.

Just how many PI's (Wayne Idour aside) is Mr Wishart involved with?

On Top of the World

Occasionally, just every once in a while. Wellington will put on an absolute stunning day. Luckily today was one of those days and what better way to make the most of it than get lost on a mountainbike on the hills behind Maungaraki. This is the same place I was blathering about a few weeks ago .... however it really is a fantastic place to explore.

Seriously it's another world up there. No-one about but the occasional sheep and the odd (and I mean that literally as well as metaphorically) walker. Bliss, and all within 20 minutes of Wellington.

This is looking north-east towards the Rimutakas.



While this is the view to the north-west. Somewhere way up in the distance is Pauatahanui.

Any bets as to whther this is autumn's last gasp before the crap winter weather arrives.

The Ultimate Irony.

Without a word of a lie I swear this is among the wine selection at the post Budget drinks of Finance Minister Dr Michael Cullen tonight.

It was a pungent little number with a big nose and an bitter aftertaste of sour grapes.

For context go here or here.

I swear to God you just can't make this stuff up.

Mum's the Word

Given all the crap that's floating around about the NZ police at the moment let me share this little yarn which dates back 20 or so years in the small country town where I grew up.

The local police station had been subject to an arson attack (suspicion being it was lit by the cops who were sick of their ancient poky digs) meaning they were operating out of the old courthouse
building down the road.

However, following the annual cannabis plantation raids, they chose to store their confiscated pile of dope plants in the cell one weekend ahead of impending incineration on a Monday morning.

Lo and behold they turn up on Monday and the plants were gone.

Unfortunately for the enterprising thieves the planst had wilted and were prone to shedding their leaves. The jig was up largely to the early risers of the town who'd spotted a group of young men - young men not noted for their civic duty - industriously sweeping the footpaths at 5.30 in the morning.

The police caught our green fingered friends but charges were never laid.

Basically because the youths were quite happy to tell the local paper exactly what they'd done. Something the local Sergeant preferred to avoid.

So the police got their plants back, the lads got off scot-free and everyone was a winner on the day.

[NB I was not one of the young men]

Irony

I wonder if he lived? And if he did, what did he say when he met his doctor?

To Hit Or Not To Hit

To be honest I don't give a toss one way or another regarding the so-called "Anti-Smacking" Bill. I don't have any kids so it doesn't really affect me.

However the debate, which has been spirited, has thrown up some choice moments. My favourite was a conversation I heard at a rally outside Parliament yesterday between a Destiny Church member and a Bill supporter.

Bill Supporter: "So do you kick your dog?"
Church member: "Of course not."
Bill Supporter: "So why would you want to hit your child."

No come back whatsoever.

Oh and while I'm pinching pictures from Scaryduck I feel I should pass this one along. It's a salutary lesson in where not to stand.

Wrong On Many Levels.

Courtesy of Scaryduck.

He's a sick, sick man.

Now they Tell Us!

According to Telecom NZ needs to spend one and a half billion dollars if internet broadband targets set by the government are to be met.

Apparently they can only foot a third of the bill.

A decade and a half as a monopoly with a virtual license to print money yet they never got round to doing much in the way of infrastructure investment.

I wonder why?

Maybe it slipped their mind. Or was it the fact that, with a largely captive market in their pocket, they simply didn't give a fuck.

Making Money Out of Misery

This is why I'll never work in PR. There are the constant jests about PR practitioners having no soul but in this case they prove it.

What am I on about you ask?

Let me refer you to this story which ran in the papers today. The poor bastard dies from anaphylactic shock after having an allergic reaction to something in his food. Pretty tragic, and one can imagine his family are having a pretty rough time at the moment.

So what do the people at Addenda Publishing do?

They put out this press release.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

DATE: 26 April 2007

Tragic Allergy Death Should Not Deter Allergy Sufferers from Eating Out – Author

Allergy sufferers should take a lesson from this week’s tragic death of Auckland man Grant Freeman from a suspected allergic reaction to a restaurant meal, says Kim Koeller, author of Let’s Eat Out: Your Passport to Living Gluten and Allergy Free.

“But that lesson should be to take care and be thoroughly prepared, not to give up eating out from fear,” she says.

Koeller and co-author Robert La France have produced an award-winning book series that shows allergy suffers how to eat out safely. Through their consulting practice, they also educate the restaurant trade in safe food practices that will prevent the sort of tragedy that happened this week.

Koeller and La France will be back in New Zealand in August to address a major conference on the subject of allergies and dining out.

Koeller and La France are available to New Zealand media for comment. For more information or to arrange an interview or review copy, contact the New Zealand distributor Addenda Publishing

There's nothing like trying to make a quick buck out of the illfortune of others is there. I hope some journo' gives them a right royal rocket for trying to pull this shameless and scurrilous plug.

No Respect

While many of my peers have been out and about today doing their patriotic duty at ANZAC Day commemorations I, as usual, have ignored it completely.

For those readers not of Antipodean origin ANZAC Day is a public holiday in NZ and Australia to remember those that have died fighting for their country. Originally it was more centred around World War One and the Gallipoli Campaign.

The official line is that Gallipoli was where New Zealand started to develop a sense of nationhood. Unfortunately in reality it was thousands of young men's lives being profligately thrown away by incompetent British Generals in a war that had little relevance to New Zealand. The bonds of mother England have a lot to answer for really.

Anyway instead of honouring the dead I wen mountainbiking in a new area I've just discovered - Belmont Forest Park.

I knew I was onto a good thing when I found this gem of a single trail winding its way out of a narrow wee valley.



While it's not exactly an easy incline to ride up it turned out to be pretty manageable. Getting to the top the track branched out onto a farm 4wd track and was pretty cruisy.

The view wasn't bad either.



You can't really see it too clearly in this picture, but that's actually Wellington off in the distance at the top centre. Lower Hutt would be off to the left out of sight (and bloody good riddance too!) over a ridgeline.

The farm roads go for absolutely miles. I spent a couple of hours trundling along ridgelines and dipping into hidden valleys and I've barely scratched the surface off the place.

Oh and in keeping with the whole ANZAC Day motif I took this shot especially for the occasion.


Those indistinct gray blodges to the upper right are actually old ammunition bunkers left over from World War Two. The place is riddled with them.

Dogs that Survived Paris

In the world of truly ugly dogs here are always those that stand out from the rest.

Here is the reigning world champion.



Though it's fair to say that had the previous champion (3 years in a row in fact) still been alive there'd have been no contest.

Heeeres fugly!



Seriously, who in their right mind would want to own one of these pint size abortions?

Posting

Sometimes I wonder whether I should write a little more stuff connected to my work. After all I am in a rather unique position being relatively close to the Parliamentary action.

But then I realize, who gives a fat rats arse if another political blogger adds his squeals to the cacophony - probably nobody.

So I don't bother.

Much.

View From the Top

And that's why I love Makara.

Pity about the bone shattering descent though as I seem to have hurt my back. I'm now perambulating around the house like a gerontological disaster zone.

Oh and in light of my last post about the ER it seems the nurses are into the same sort of thing. Not quite as graphic but they do have their moments.

Here are a few examples:

From the disgusting.

Female caller asks- "Is dog semen harmful if swallowed?

To the purely foul.

Caller: Can you get STD's from a sheep?
Nurse: Excuse me (OMG did I really hear this right)
Caller: Can you get STD's from a sheep?
Nurse: I think that you should call the local vet!

And the truly bizarre.

When I worked in OB, I had someone call and she was masturbating to the answers that I was giving about breast-feeding questions - the situation didn't actually get weird and suspicious until she asked if I had ever breast-fed a baby - I currently had a 4 month old that I was nursing and, unfortunately, I was sort of punchy (it was 3 am and I didn't tolerate nights that well) and answered yes - the breathing got harder and faster and I could hear lots of rustling and such (it was actually a woman) and I said I was going to hang up and they said "No, not yet, I'm not there yet..." - I blurted out "What the heck are you doing?" - they managed to answer between pants "What do you think?" - then, I hung up.......

Y'know I'm truly glad I don't work in medicine.

The Real ER

This is the thread that will not die. I pop in every few months just to see the latest outrageous story.

Such as:

If the cops are chasing you, your ear is not a proper place to hide your weed stash. What's worse, don't tell us that it's some random girl's phone number you stuffed in your ear to hide from your girlfriend.

and,

Feeding your weed stash to your dog is not a good idea either. Apparently in high doses it can cause what can best described as an acute psychotic break in said dog, putting multiple dog bites with avulsions and arterial bleeding on your growing list of problems.

even better,

We all know that smoking with O2 is bad but today I learned that its worse with a full beard. Oh the smell.

and finally,

Be careful when squatting 800+ lbs in competition - your quads might explode.

'Nuff said.

Dumped!

Sometimes I wonder if technology is altogether too much of a good thing.

A case in point an experience a friend of mine had the other day. To put it in a nutshell he was dumped.

Now I know many of you will be saying well so what, people get dumped all the time. However he was dumped via text message.

i.e. "Im sry bt itz al ovr"

Am I alone in thinking that this is slightly off?

I mean what's wrong with the good old fashioned way of breaking up with people. You know what I mean - not answering their calls, being perpetually busy/unavailable, or by being incredibly incommunicative on the rare occasions that you are together.

Methinks cellphones have a lot to answer for.

The News

I was going to write something deep, meaningful, and insightful about the quality of our broadcast news.

And then I found this.

What We Call the News | Send To Friends | Funny Animations at JibJab

Says it all really.

However at some stage in the not too distant future I will write something about how well, and how poorly, we are served by our news outlets.

You're Nicked Son

It seems every time a Chinese dignitary visits this country the powers that be want to placate them at the cost of some of our basic democratic rights. This latest incident involving Chinese Capital news reporter Nick Wang is another case in point.

It is patently unacceptable for the Police and the Diplomatic Protection Squad to act the way the did. It is not for the Chinese Embassy to determine who can and cannot cover political events in this country. Their attempts to pressure the situation should have been firmly rebutted.

The officers involved can't plead ignorance. The officer based in Parliament is well versed in the rules and regulations pertaining to media coverage and surely knows the only person who can revoke a journalist's accreditation is the Speaker and no-one else. For him to issue the threats that he did is simply untenable.

Nor do our politicians come out of this with any glory. Both Helen Clark and Michael Cullen tried to fudge the issue yesterday saying events were confused, that media access to the Beehive core was unclear, and that Mr Wang may have caused trouble.

This simply does not stack up. Nick Wang, who's had Press Gallery accreditation for 8 years had sought permission from the Speaker to film the event. Furthermore the signing ceremony had been listed on the Government's Ministerial Diary as a photo opportunity - surely a clear indication that media were entitled to attend. But what really dismantles the facile arguments of Clark and Cullen is the video recorded of the event (kudos to Nick's cameraman here). It quite plainly shows he acted professionally at all times and did no more than raise reasonable objections to what was a blatant abuse of procedure. The PM and her deputy should hang their heads in shame for trying to pin the blame on Mr Wang. That they tried is unforgivable.

It's a sad fact the real reason the politicians are trying to downplay and avoid the issue is their drive for a free trade agreement with China. They simply don't want to offend the Chinese and risk the loss of a lucrative deal. This obsession with the dollar isn't just restricted to the Government though - National Party Leader John Key wanted to stay as far away from the matter as possible saying he couldn't comment "because I wasn't there" and "it was Dr Cullen's meeting".

It's a shame the leaders of our democracy don't have the gumption to stand up for one of its basic tenets.

Freedom of expression isn't as important to them as is free trade. How sad is that?

However the good news is Speaker Margaret Wilson has come out on the side of the media and is sending a stern please explain message to the police, as well as note to the Chinese Embassy reminding them of how we do things here. It's too soon to say but I would expect at least the Police and DPS to be forced to apologise to Nick Wang ... and maybe even the Chinese Embassy?

Doing My Bit for the Minor Sports

Stephen Lynch is going to hell for performing this.

I'm going to hell for posting it.




And if you, dear reader, watched it ... well I guess we'll be seeing you on the shores of the lake of fire.

The Sky is Falling.

I've been meaning to write something meaningful and entertaining for a wee while now, but it seems I just can't find the motivation. Either that or life is very boring.

Instead I'll do something a little bit introspective on the media industry that I work in.

Sky TV is going head to head with TVNZ and TV3 in providing a New Zealand television news service. Well you can't really call it head to head as Sky has put bugger all in the way of resources into it. All they seem to have done is renamed the rather bare bones approach that had been being done by Prime News. That is a couple of clotheshorses reading the news, and a bare handful of reporters (all North Island based I believe) scrambling to cover the big issues of the day.

What it looks like is simply a spoiler to TVNZ's upcoming 24/7 digital news service (though that's likely to be a disaster as well).

I have a lot of respect for those involved in the programme (I know one or two of them personally), but you can't cover a country when 90 percent of your scant resources are based in Auckland. Furthermore the lack of coverage sticks out like dogs balls when you have to resort to doing phone interviews with someone in the South Island to provide some sort of vestige of information on a significant story.

TV's about pictures, leave the phone interviews to the radio journo's. You look like a bunch of cheap dicks when you do it.

If Sky News is to provide any sort of semi-decent coverage they're going to have to have bureaus in all the main centres - Auckland, Hamilton, Wellington, and Christchurch - and access to reliable freelancers/stringers in places like Dunedin Tauranga, Napier, Rotorua, Invercargill, and Northland. Somehow I don't see them coughing up the cash needed to finance that sort of operation. News is an expensive business, and these days it's the beancounters that call the shots, so the chance of an extensive, and professional, Sky News setup is about as likely as celibacy in a brothel.

It seems I'm not the only one that is thinking this way.

So Much More To See

Lots of blank spaces that remain to be filled (sigh) So many places, so little time.



create your own visited country map
or check our Venice travel guide

You Can't Make This Shit Up.

Here are a few behind the scenes observations from last Friday's meeting of the Pacific Forum in Vanuatu.

The RNZAF flight crew are boody fantastic, and so is their 757 plane. A commercial version sits over 220 but the Airforce ripped 60 seats out meaning those on board have leg room!! Bliss

Internet access in Vanuatu is marginal at the best of times, and horrendously expensive. Perhaps the Forum Secretariat could have shared their connection. Or at least set up some facilities for the media so they could cover the event in a vaguely proficient way. There was no media centre whatsoever.

Flight timing was bizarre. Those who arrived with the NZ delegation were told they had to be enroute to the airport by 3.30 pm at the latest. That just happened to be half an hour before the scheduled press conference. The reason for this? Well there is only one set of steps at Port Vila big enough to reach the 757's doors and they just happened to be owned by Air Caledonia who had a flight coming in around 5pm. Come hell or high water they were having their steps back so the Kiwis had to be on their plane and out of the way ASAP.

Australian Foreign Minister Alexander Downer is a bit of a media whore. Put a microphone in front of him and he just won't shut up.

NZ Foreign Minister Winston Peters is the exact opposite. He was not inclined to talk at all. And even less so after TV crews defied orders and got off the plane first to get shots of the dignitaries getting off the plane (they were banned from his first stand up). Mind you Winston's mood probably was helped by his dicky knee. It does look to be seriously painful and he's not the kind of guy to deal well with something that affects his personal dignity.

A brickbat to the official who decreed that alcohol would be reserved for the politicians on the trip back leaving the rest of the plane dry.

A huge bouquet to Cabinet Minister Winnie Laban who decreed the drinks cart was open to all.

Oh and for those of you who are curious as to the outcome of the meeting I suggest you read this. In a nutshell (if you'll excuse the anti-smacking Bill analogy) Fiji's been given a timeout on a naughty mat and been told to think about what it did.

I'm sure Frank Bainimarama is shitting himself - Not.

Tidy Up

To my few and infrequent readers:

I've winnowed through the links over there on the right. Some have been shitcanned and some newbies have been added.

If you do get the chance check out the folks at Intelligentsiya.

CYFSwatch (now defunct on blogger) may have evoked the ire of a Government Department here in NZ but having the Fijian armed forces out for your blood is far more impressive.

Another one worth a check is Inside Iraq.

These are US and Iraqi journalists giving a pretty brutal account of the shit they're putting up with on a daily basis. Be warned some of the writing is graphic and harrowing.

For light relief (and you'll need it after the previous two blogs) I heartily recommend Scaryduck. He 's a comic marvel.

On The Edge

I have no idea where this is, nor who these people are. However I'm not ashamed to say their balls are far bigger than mine.




I mean seriously ......



... they are ...



... fucking nuts!

Do As We Say But Not As We Do?

Much has been made of our Government's sudden love affair with carbon neutrality and its desire to save us all from the perils of global warming. I'm not going to re-canvas that debate as there are others far more qualified than I who have been there and done that already.

However what I would like to point out is that while the Government is keen on its Ministries to become carbon neutral, I don't actually recall them saying anything about the Parliament Buildings in which they themselves are located.


That rather indistinct haze highlighted by the arrow is what is pumped out every day by Parliament's gas-fired boilers.

Sustainability - it's a grand wee buzz word isn't it?

(Oh and I'm sorry about the picture quality, that's what you get for using a cellphone camera)

Updating the Legal Lexicon

Recent events suggest it's time to introduce some new phrases into the way we describe criminal cases and those that feature therein. Here are a few suggestions;

"As guilty as Clint"

"A very Brad man"

"She was forcibly Schollumed"

"Having a Haigh old time"

Apologies

For some reason Microsoft Word and Blogger don't mix too well. The cut and paste job on the parole post didn't work out too well. Never mind I'm sure you're all smart enough to figure it out.

Anyway I can't be bothered typing it all out again.

Parole

Given all the hoopla and kerfuffle over the Graham Burton parole reports I though it might be timely to post some figure a reporter I know picked up from the Corrections Department last year.

It might help informed debate on the matter.

1. By year, over the past three years ending June 30, how many parolees have breached required reporting conditions?

A “breach” of parole is a charge laid with the Court under s71 of the Parole Act when an offender has breached the conditions of the parole order imposed by the New Zealand Parole Board. These may include failing to attend rehabilitation programmes, failing to follow a lawful direction from a Probation Officer, or changing address without permission. The Department does not collate information on the nature of specific conditions leading to the breach action being commenced.

NUMBER OF PAROLE BREACHES BY YEAR SINCE JULY 2003.

YEAR BREACHES TOTAL PAROLE ORDERS %AGE BREACHED

03-04 384 2856 13%

04-05 313 2524 12%

05-06 315 2598 12%

1. By year, over the past three years ending June 30, how many parolees have been returned to prison for posing risk to community safety, breach of parole conditions, or committing a jailable offence?

Recall, as defined by s61 of the Parole Act 2002, is the sanction used for serious instances of non-compliance with the conditions of a parole order. This involves an application being made to the New Zealand Parole Board for an order that an offender be recalled to continue serving a sentence of imprisonment in a penal institution. Recall action is commenced when a Probation Officer assesses an offender as posing an undue risk to the safety of the community, the parolee has breached their parole conditions, or the offender has committed an offence punishable by imprisonment


NUMBER OF PAROLEES RECALLED TO PRISON SINCE JULY 2003.

YEAR RECALLS PAROLEES MANAGED RECALL %AGE

03-04 222 2856 8%

04-05 194 2524 8%

05-06 176 2598 7%