Suitable for Kids (apparently)

I was fossicking around through some of my old books today and came across something my parents gave me when I was quite young. It's called "Coles Funny Picture Book" and was a reprint of a childrens' book that was first published back in 1905. It'd be fair to say there was definitely a much different moral imperative back then - well compared to today anyway.

I give you:

A Deed of Horror - By J.W. Lloyd.

The night was dark,
The rain came down.
Amidst the loud
And roaring wind.

There stood a man
With look as though
Some heavy weight
Was on his mind.

With fearful stare
He gazed around;
He starts and from
His lips then come

These fearful words,
With anguish wild,
"The deed, it must,
And shall be done."

With hurried step
He onward glides,
And soon he reached
The cottage door.

Forth from his pocket
Drew a key,
He enters 'midst
The thunder roar.

He gropes his way
Across the room,
For all inside
Was dark and glum,

Again he groans
Those fearful words,
"The deed, it must,
And shall be done."

He strikes a light
Then round the room,
With stealthy step
Does slowly creep.

He reached the bed,
And thereupon
Three little children
Calmly sleep.

He fondly gazes
On their forms,
Then turns away
Quite overcome.

"I willingly
Would yield, but, no!
The deed, it must,
And shall be done."

He then drew forth
A hideous knife,
And roughly roused
The sleeping babes.

Who all shriek loudly
With affright,
Yet neither one
For mercy craves.

He drags the children
Cross the room,
Again those fearful
Words did utter,

He raised the knife
And cut - for each -
A nice thick slice
Of bread and butter.

Somehow, as much as we might like it, I don't think we could quite get away with this today.

Pity.

Nutters I have Met. Part 1.

OK so I'm cheating a little bit. I posted the following tale on a discussion group that I'm a member of and have decided to copy and paste it here. It's just one of those weird things that happens to you from time to time when you are a journalist.

It dates back to the time (late 1999) when the then Chch City Council manager Mike Richardson had created a bit of a media firestorm over a few comments he'd made about the Second Coming, the millennium, and how all the sports facilities the Council had developed would make perfect landing spots for the Heavenly Host as well as great places for mass Baptisms

I'm sitting in the office one afternoon, busy trying to get my head around all this, when an elderly gent in rather impeccable 1970's formal attire wanders into the office and starts bending my ear about Mr Richardson and his relationship with God. Yours truly, thinking he was speaking to a member of the same religious group, asks the man if he was an acquaintance of Mr Richardson.
"Oh no, no, no" said the old fellow rather genially. "I just know Mr Richardson is wrong in his belief that God will come to Christchurch with the dawning of the millennium".
I couldn't help myself and asked him how he could be so sure of this.
He gave me a gentle smile and said;
"My son, I've been here since 1974"


It turned out he'd written his own Bible and everything. Definitely one of my more memorable moments in journalism.